How to Network as a Writer Without Feeling Gross

You attend a writing conference. Within the first hour, you're cornered by someone who immediately pitches their screenplay while handing you a business card. Later, you watch someone else dominate a conversation by name-dropping their connections. At the book signing, you witness a writer interrupt an author mid-sentence to thrust their manuscript forward.

You leave feeling like you need a shower. If this is networking, you want no part of it.

The word "networking" makes many writers cringe, and for good reason. Too often, networking gets reduced to transactional interactions where people collect contacts like trading cards, hoping to cash in on relationships later.

But networking doesn't have to feel manipulative or inauthentic. At its best, networking is simply building genuine relationships with people who share your interests and challenges. When done well, it feels like making friends who happen to be in your field.

The key is shifting from a "what can I get" mindset to a "what can I give" mindset, and from transactional interactions to relationship building.

Why Traditional Networking Feels Gross

The networking that makes writers uncomfortable usually involves:

Transactional Thinking: Viewing people as opportunities rather than humans Immediate Asks: Pitching yourself or your work upon first meeting One-Sided Conversations: Talking about yourself without showing interest in othersSuperficial Connections: Collecting contacts without building real relationships Inauthentic Behavior: Pretending to be someone you're not to make a good impression

This approach feels gross because it IS gross. It reduces human connection to business transactions and treats relationships like vending machines where you insert charm and expect opportunities to fall out.

A Better Definition of Networking

What if we redefined networking as:

• Building authentic relationships with people who understand your work
• Creating a community of mutual support and encouragement
• Sharing knowledge and resources with fellow writers
• Developing friendships that happen to benefit your career
• Contributing to the writing community rather than just taking from it

This approach to networking feels natural because it's based on genuine human connection rather than calculated self-interest.

The Golden Rule of Authentic Networking

Always lead with genuine interest in the other person.

Instead of thinking "How can this person help me?" ask "How can I help this person?" or "What can I learn from this person?"

This simple shift changes the entire dynamic of your interactions and makes networking feel like relationship building rather than business card collecting.

Strategies for Authentic Writer Networking

The Helper's Approach

Before events:

• Research attendees and think about how you might help them
• Prepare to share resources, connections, or knowledge
• Focus on what you can contribute rather than what you want to gain

During conversations:

• Ask about their current projects with genuine curiosity
• Share resources that might help their specific challenges
• Offer to connect them with people who might be useful
• Listen more than you talk

After events:

• Follow up with helpful resources or connections you promised
• Share articles or opportunities that might interest them
• Check in on projects they mentioned without expecting anything in return

The Learner's Approach

Position yourself as someone eager to learn:

• "I'm new to this genre and would love to learn about your experience"
• "I'm fascinated by your approach to character development"
• "I'd love to hear about your journey from first draft to publication"

Ask thoughtful questions:

• "What's been the most surprising part of your writing journey?"
• "What advice would you give to someone just starting in this genre?"
• "What resources have been most helpful in your career?"

This approach makes others feel valued for their expertise while giving you genuine learning opportunities.

The Connector's Approach

Become someone who connects others:

• Introduce people who might benefit from knowing each other
• Share opportunities that aren't right for you but might be perfect for someone else
• Create or facilitate connections in writing communities
• Remember what people are looking for and help them find it

People remember and appreciate those who help them make valuable connections.

Networking Venues That Don't Feel Gross

Workshop-Based Events

Why they work:

• Shared learning focus reduces pressure
• Structured activities provide conversation starters
• Common interest creates natural connections
• Educational environment feels more comfortable than pure networking

How to maximize:

• Participate actively in exercises and discussions
• Share insights and questions openly
• Follow up with people whose perspectives you found valuable

Small Group Gatherings

Why they work:

• Easier to have meaningful conversations
• Less overwhelming than large conferences
• More opportunities for authentic connection
• Easier to remember and follow up with people

Types to consider:

• Genre-specific meetups
• Writing craft workshops
• Author reading series
• Book clubs focused on writing

Online Communities

Why they work:

• Relationship building happens over time
• You can contribute thoughtfully without pressure
• Authentic personality comes through in writing
• Global reach without travel requirements

How to network online:

• Be genuinely helpful in discussions
• Share resources and opportunities
• Celebrate others' successes
• Offer support during challenges

The Long Game of Relationship Building

Authentic networking is about playing the long game. Instead of trying to get immediate results, focus on:

Building genuine relationships that may or may not lead to professional opportunities Creating a reputation as someone who's helpful and supportive Developing friendships with people who understand your work Contributing to the community in ways that feel meaningful to you

This approach takes longer but creates more sustainable and satisfying professional relationships.

What to Talk About (Besides Your Book)

Many writers panic about networking because they think they need to pitch their work constantly. But the best networking conversations rarely focus on your current project:

Ask about their work:

• What drew them to their current project?
• What challenges are they facing in their writing?
• What aspect of their work excites them most right now?

Discuss the craft:

• What techniques are they experimenting with?
• What books or resources have influenced their approach?
• What craft challenges are they working through?

Share industry insights:

• Interesting articles or resources you've found
• Conferences or events you've attended
• Changes or trends you've noticed in your genre

Talk about the writing life:

• How do they balance writing with other responsibilities?
• What does their typical writing routine look like?
• How do they handle rejection or criticism?

The Follow-Up That Doesn't Feel Pushy

Within 24-48 hours:

• Send a brief, friendly message mentioning something specific from your conversation
• Include any resources or connections you promised
• Express appreciation for their time and insights

Sample follow-up: "Hi [Name], It was great meeting you at [event] and hearing about your historical fiction project. I found your research process fascinating. As promised, here's the link to that archive I mentioned. I'd love to hear how your manuscript develops. Best wishes with your writing!"

Ongoing relationship building:

• Share opportunities that might interest them
• Congratulate them on successes
• Offer support during challenges
• Engage with their social media content when it resonates

When and How to Mention Your Work

Let it come up naturally:

• When asked directly about your projects
• When it's relevant to the conversation
• When you can connect it to something they're interested in

Keep it brief and focused:

• One or two sentences maximum
• Focus on what might interest them specifically
• Avoid detailed plot summaries or sales pitches

Example: "I'm working on a mystery series set in small-town libraries. Since you mentioned loving cozy mysteries, I'd be curious about your thoughts on the subgenre."

Building Your Personal Networking Style

Identify Your Strengths

Are you naturally:

• A good listener who makes others feel heard?
• Someone who notices connections between people and ideas?
• A researcher who loves sharing helpful resources?
• Someone who asks thoughtful questions?
• A cheerleader who celebrates others' successes?

Build your networking approach around your natural strengths rather than forcing yourself into an uncomfortable persona.

Set Realistic Goals

Instead of: "I need to meet 20 people at this conference" Try: "I want to have 3 meaningful conversations with people whose work interests me"

Instead of: "I need to get an agent through networking" Try: "I want to learn more about the agent-author relationship from people who've been through it"

Create Authentic Boundaries

It's okay to:

• Take breaks from social interaction when you need them
• Decline invitations that don't align with your interests
• Focus on quality over quantity in your connections
• Be selective about which events you attend

The Compound Effect of Authentic Networking

When you network authentically over time, you often find that:

Opportunities find you rather than you having to chase them People think of you when relevant opportunities ariseYour reputation grows as someone who's helpful and professional Relationships deepen into genuine friendships and mentorships You enjoy the process rather than enduring it

Red Flags in Networking Interactions

Avoid people who:

• Only talk about themselves and their work
• Ask for favors immediately upon meeting
• Name-drop constantly without substance
• Show no interest in your work or perspectives
• Treat you differently based on your perceived level of success

Trust your instincts: If an interaction feels manipulative or one-sided, it probably is.

Building Community vs. Building Connections

The best networking happens when you focus on building community rather than collecting connections:

Community building looks like:

• Showing up consistently in spaces where writers gather
• Contributing to discussions and conversations
• Celebrating others' successes genuinely
• Offering help and support when you can
• Being someone others are glad to see

Connection collecting looks like:

• Attending events solely to meet "important" people
• Moving quickly from person to person without deep engagement
• Focusing only on what others can do for you
• Disappearing after events unless you need something
• Treating relationships as transactional

Your Networking Manifesto

Consider writing your own networking manifesto based on your values:

Sample elements:

• I will approach networking as relationship building, not transaction making
• I will lead with genuine interest in others rather than self-promotion
• I will contribute to the writing community rather than just taking from it
• I will be patient with relationship development rather than expecting immediate results
• I will maintain authentic boundaries and respect others' boundaries
• I will celebrate others' successes and offer support during challenges

The Long View

Remember that authentic networking is a career-long practice, not a series of one-off events. The relationships you build today may not pay dividends for years, but they'll be richer and more meaningful than transactional connections.

Your goal isn't to know everyone in the industry. Your goal is to build genuine relationships with people who share your interests and challenges, creating a community of mutual support that makes the writing life less lonely and more fulfilling.

When networking feels authentic, it stops feeling like work and starts feeling like one of the best parts of the writing life: connecting with people who understand your passion and challenges.

What aspects of networking feel most challenging or uncomfortable for you? Remember that authentic networking is a skill that develops over time, and it's okay to start small and build gradually.